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COLLEGE PARK — In the wake of being the literal greatest college football team of all time, beating powerhouses like Towson, Florida Atlantic, and Northern Illinois, minor teams such as Wisconsin, with only minor bu****** f****** ******* ****-****** ****** **** **** losses to Washington, Nebraska and UCLA, the Maryland Terrapins Football team are set to introduce a new cornerstone piece to their offensive line: a 20-foot stone wall.
Stohne “Henge” Whall, a 20’3” left guard weighing in at 13,800 pounds, is a redshirt senior hailing from Boulder, Colorado. Terrapins Head Coach, Mike Locksley, greenlit the acquisition after the Terrapins faced an unsportsmanlike conduct for brandishing a weapon following a defended pass versus Washington.
“It’s actually unacceptable, I mean, we really just expected better from our guys. Seatbelt burns aren’t a joke — millions of families suffer every year,” Locksley commented in a video interview. “If you want to celebrate, do a sword sheath or something. Who’s getting hurt by a sword today? Skill is– I mean, it’s very unlikely.” Upon saying this, a flag was thrown into Locksley’s video frame breaking the glass behind him, with the word “unsports–” being heard before the video cut off.
When asked about the reason behind the sudden acquisition of Whall, Locksley stated, “we just needed a new face in the locker room, we always want to stay humble. We’re obviously still the greatest team in the universe, of course, but we also want to give chances to as many people as we can. We don’t expect him to contribute immediately.”
Whall, whose nicknames include “Henge,” “CTE,” and “Brick,” has signed NIL deals with Hard Rock Cafe and the ACME Corporation already, and stated that he’s excited to play at Maryland and experience the College Park atmosphere. When asked about what he looked forward to most, Whall responded that, “I really like pancakes, so I’m pretty excited for The Y. I hope it’ll be easy to find a seat there.”
The Hare interviewed students about their opinions on how this recent acquisition of Whall affected their hopes for the rest of the season. Freshman Jomes Fronklin stated that, “I have high hopes — I just hope if it doesn’t work out Locksley doesn’t get fired. I like his ice cream flavor.”
Whall is set to make his debut at home versus Indiana on November 1st.
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